When my teenaged daughter came out, I instantly knew I hadn't reached the ally level I needed to be. As her dad and I hugged her in support and pride, I was inwardly pained for the support I knew she wouldn't receive from many, especially our family. I knew I had to live out my alliance for more than just my daughter. Now everyone in the LGBTIQA+ community is my child, my sibling, my parent, my friend. So, let it be me who uses your pronouns correctly, who affirms you, who loves you, who hugs you, who acknowledges your relationship, your marriage , and takes absolute pride in you. Let it be me.
I am pacing around my house feeling like I should be doing something, but I do not know what that something should be. The restlessness is disturbing. I open the refrigerator and mindlessly pull out a container of last night’s leftovers.
It is New Year’s Eve, and I am alone in my house. Well, almost alone. My son is with his father, however, I do have my two guinea pigs, Zen & Zeus. They scream in delight when I share a raw carrot with them.
The famous New Year’s Eve ball is about to drop in Times Square. I know better than to let my thoughts decide my mood. I remind myself that my thoughts are a never-ending loop -often regrets of the past and fears of the future. Smiling in recognition of this, my mind eases and I feel the sense of calm begin to return. I leave the leftovers on the counter and sit cross-legged on the floor while taking a long, slow, deep breath. After years of practice, I know how to settle into a Quiet Mind & Calm Body. The only lights on, beside the flickering of the TV, are candles. Ethereal, ambient music plays softly, filling me with the inner peace I love. It comes to me when I am ready to be still. It waits patiently in the background for my mind to leave enough space for it to enter.
It is in this moment, I realize, I am here. My consciousness has come forth and the mind has left. Now, I can communicate with all of it. Then, I feel it. My heart opens and in comes the enormous energy shift of 2022. I begin to cry. Soft at first, and then uncontrollably, gratitude sweeping in and through me. There is no thought. No body. No mind. It is an intelligence far greater than anything seen, heard, or touched. This is who we are when we allow it to unfold. This is our Truth.
Morning welcomes me with a gentle wind blowing through my window. Still laced in lingering dreams, I soak in the soft yellow sunlight, and whisper thanks for 2022. Sitting up, I cross my legs and begin the Quiet Mind wake-up. Breathing in deeply, I hold my breath at the top and think of one thing for which to be grateful. Then, slowly exhaling to the count of ten, letting all the air leave the lungs. Then again, repeating three times. This primes the mind to create and manifest with intention. Finishing with 11 minutes of silent meditation, I slide off the bed and go splash water on my face. I patter downstairs to greet the piggies. A New Year is here. I smile. It is already magnificent.
He picked me up for coffee and I thought I was ready. I thought I had healed. Ten years prior my first husband committed suicide and I was the one who found him. Through years of support groups, even leading a ministry, I was sure I was healed. Then, I let love in again.
Some wounds are only healed in an excruciating place of vulnerability. My new partner's story included a different kind of abandonment that ended in divorce rather than death. The constitution of his soul is steeped in loyalty, and this left him bewildered and devastated.
Tending to love sometimes requires bandaging a wound that someone else has inflicted. Those sharp edges cut the person who stands there now. It is unfair. It requires fortitude, patience, understanding, and empathy. It requires that we choose love. My new partner and I choose love every day. We love our family and our community. At the center of it all, we find our hands clasped tightly together, navigating the joys of extraordinarily deep love and the moments of lashing out. Healing wounds hurts. The selfless act of tending to love is one of life's greatest sacrifices and leaves us, our partners, and I dare say the world, in a far better place.
Because of Sam’s daily nourish—
All the things she cared for would flourish,
All the vegetables and flowers in her garden,
All the bees and chickens—where she rules as The Game Warden.
Just like the young roosters with their mother hen,
They are all protected from the feral beasts in Sam’s pen
Her boys, bees and flowers she lovingly tends,
Her pound cakes—off to the boys she sends,
When their hearts were crushed—she was there to mend,
Always giving good counsel and an ear to lend..
Sam has taught her boys to be strong, but willing to bend, To embrace that northerly wind.
To forgive, grow and make amends.
And these pillars are so solid—even in an earthquake they would not lurch.
For Sam is the granite rock on which our house is built,
It will never roll, break or tilt,
Her spirit and passions will never wilt,
She is substantially stronger and tougher than a diamond-bore,
Crystals produced deep down in the Earth’s lava core,
That into the most perfect form were poured,
So that she inspires us all like her to transcend, to soar,
And to never be apathetic or a bore,
But to embrace life and love and to ROAR.
When I found myself "chronically single" in mid-life, it felt rather daunting. I had every single dating app loaded and spent much of my free time meeting strangers across tables for the same damn conversation over and over again. Talk about Groundhog Day. I had already spent some years “sowing my oats” and that was no longer serving me (but I will make it clear that at the time it did…in fact…serve me well! 😉) I was now looking for a deeper and more meaningful connection. But how would I ever find it if I had the same date with (basically) the same guy over and over again??? I woke up one day and had the realization that I was no longer interested in 'shopping' for a partner. Nor was I interested in advertising myself in a catalog. In our culture of consumerism, if we are willing to charge a fee to our credit card, we can shop for whatever we want. This approach wasn’t my vibe, and in all honesty I was tired of making it my focus. It sounds cliche, but it was time for me to build a life WITH myself!
I bought the tiniest house I could find. I have turned it into the witchiest house ever! I am learning to garden…and that’s been a process! Digging in the dirt has been the most therapeutic activity. The interior of my home screams a celebration of the divine feminine. I have a whole morning ceremony of incense and yoga and loud Reiki music.
I put my energy into building a life WITH myself in the same way 2 people come together and make an effort to blend their lives. I love my time alone now. It’s restorative and peaceful and centering. Lonely is an emotion everyone will visit, married, partnered, single…it’s unavoidable. So when it visits me, I sit with it. But I have never imagined such a full life with MYSELF, and the best part is nobody can take it from me or mess it up or destroy it. It’s just me and me. I think we are going to last FOREVER💖!
I am a mom of 2 teenaged girls. I am blessed to have my own amazing mom 10 minutes down the road. Over the years as I have been raising my girls, I’ve made sure my mom stayed an integral part of their lives as well as mine. I can see how the special bond that my mom and I demonstrate so effortlessly has influenced my girls in such a positive way. On birthdays we always take a photo that we call three generations of love. Having these photos all through the years helps instill in my girls the belief that they come from deep rooted love. We all show up for each other consistently and love unconditionally and it is one of my biggest blessings!
My husband and I met during our early college years and married while we both finished school. Over the next 27 years, we raised four children, pouring our energy into start up companies, my career as a nurse, coaching kids’ sports and being present for our kids in every way we could. We navigated many unexpected things, some of which strained our relationship nearly to the breaking point, and forced us to confront hard things. We loved each other, but life moved fast and there wasn’t much time to tend our marriage. Thankfully we were able to stay committed to one another through the trials, and I’m grateful to say that now, facing mid-life together, we’re discovering new ways to connect and enjoy each other. There were moments as we reached the crossroads at middle life when we floundered a bit, trying to find the right direction.
When I think about how we’ve nurtured and kept our relationship, the word that comes to mind is "intention". We’ve purposed to do the hard work of understanding one another better, of speaking thoughtfully and gently, particularly in stressful moments, and of trusting that the other has good intentions. We are taking the time to stop and tend to our relationship, finding the smallest ways to show one another love. I’ve learned that what may seem like insignificant acts of service to one another often convey the most tender, selfless side of love. We’re both discovering new hobbies and interests, some of which are shared and some of which are not, giving each other space to find contentment together as well as apart. There is a deep sense of peace and satisfaction in sharing this part of life with my lifelong partner and soulmate.
I grew up with both parents showing NO physical emotion, no hugs, no kisses, no "I love you", no positive words of encouragement. As an adult I can see how this affected myself and my siblings in different ways. When I met my hubby, his family did hug and say "I love you" so I brought this to my family...they picked up on it easily and did the same...as well as my siblings. I was committed to having my children know that they were loved and not repeat history. All that being said, I may have overdone it! We showed our children that they are the most important people in our universe...they believed it! Our son NEVER calls....our daughter admitted that it was "a burden " to call since she doesn't like talking on the phone.....it's not like we expect a lot...just throw us a bone some time!
The work of tending to love and family is what I have always done as a preschool teacher, a doula, and a homeschool mom.
Nothing prepared me for the work of caring for my own mom through the last four years of her life and through the transition of her dying. Mom and I were really close…soul sisters in a very deep sense. I always knew that when the time came she would choose to live with me. It felt right.
She had dementia and some limited mobility. Sometimes it was really hard for me when I saw her lost and confused or fixated on something because she couldn’t remember. To lose someone you love piece by piece like that is a special kind of pain. I sometimes got frustrated when she couldn’t do certain things for herself or remember things I had asked her to do. I spent a lot of time scrambling to catch up, trying to be present for her while also tending to my life and my job. Every parent of a young child knows this dance.
You never know when you commit to caring for someone at the end of their life just how long that will be. When my mom’s final decline started it was fast, and it felt unexpected even though she was 93 and had been declining for years. The intensity of those final days together were the most challenging of my life, physically and emotionally. They were also the ones filled with more love and healing I have ever experienced. My daughter, brother, and I formed a loving nest together to hold my mom as she untangled herself from a very full life.
The struggle of needing to let go but not ready to give up. A staccato breath that went on for hours and hours to days. Momma just had to make sure everyone would be okay. That morning momma made sure a special baby boy made it through childbirth as she quietly exited this earth. I had just rested my head on my favorite pillow. I now had the rhythm of her breaths, a memorized soundtrack in my mind. I could breathe with the same relaxed cadence. My breaths were calming as I knew that with every 4–6 of my breaths, her breath would reach a crescendo with a resounding hunger for air as if to celebrate…she was almost there. I looked at the clock 5am… I breathe in…"She’s gonna be okay"…I breathe out…"She’s not afraid, she told me so"…I breathe in…"She gets to see Daddy. That makes me so happy"…I breathe out…"She will no longer be suffering"…I breathe in…"Momma, I’ll be okay without you, it’s okay to go"…my breath out startles me as my fragile heart realizes I am the only one still breathing. Momma’s song had come to an end.
One of the biggest things for me has been trying to fill my heart full of love for both God and myself. I had found that truly looking at myself in the mirror was one of the hardest things to do. Confessing all my sins to God and LETTING GO of them helped me make room for the love I needed to fill my own heart!! I still have moments of feeling overwhelmed, and don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a cold beer and a shot of good bourbon!